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general tsao's chicken and loneliness - russians d0 it best
you can't open the book of my life in the middle.
afk47
afk47
general tsao's chicken and loneliness
chinese food is supposed to make you really hungry again after you finish your sesame chicken combo meal with fried rice, right? hell no. dear god, nothing else I've ever eaten in my life fills me up like the fine americanized versions of chinese food. next time, I might try seseme chicken's spicey brother, general tsao's chicken for extra flavor. this thought brings me back to a time when I couldn't even eat spicy food without freaking out. then again, that was also in the same time period where I wore sweat pants to school and cracked my voice in front of girls. my how times have changed.

it's funny how little time affects my state of mind. years have gone by and I really don't think I've grown, but that's ok. tonight I watched the series finale of Alias and the season finale of 24 all on my 32" wide screen high definition TV listening to it in 5.1 surround sound all wrapped up in my binary fleece blanket while eating the chinese take out mentioned above only to be washed down by a mike's hard lemonade. where I may fail in some respects, I make up for it in comforts and technology.

and you know what? I love it. but that leads me to something else. what do I do now? I'm finishing up MCC finally. on a side note, keep all your little "about damn time" jokes to yourselves. sure, it's taken a little while and I know that. but the next time I hear someone try to comfort me for taking 6 years and covering up my poor academic performance with some pseudonym about a different life path, I'm gonna start a ruckus. yes, I said ruckus. it's just all these themes of fate, life, adventure, things coming to an end have been drowning my senses lately. I'm left to wonder if this is some cosmic sign or am I just reading into things a little too much. logic dictates that I should stick with the later answer but I like the first one so much better.

then again, I've also been thinking about this ol' journal here. myspace really has taken over most of my web browsing and in all honesty, I'm frightened to know how many times a day I check the stupid thing. I suppose it fills a carnal need for attention and vanity that my livejournal just can't. as I said, myspace is horrifically vain and my profile covers mostly the surface facts about me. then again, my posts on livejournal, as rare as they may be, covers what goes through my head and various experiences and views of my life. my question is, what's the best way to learn who someone really is?

that was why I originally started this journal five and a half years ago and only through a couple entries was I able to succeed. to help people know who I am. my passions, my aspirations, my everything. and of course, I want feedback. I lied when earlier I said I haven't grown because really, I have. I've been trying to write about this for months now but I'll be straight up about it. the problem really is that I don't feel that I'm close with anyone anymore and it's a terribly lonely thing. hell, I live alone right now. instead of being a cat lady with 30 cats, I have computers, ipods and various other technological gadgetry. that and I'm not a lady. kthx.

it's hard to ignore the feeling that no one really gives a damn. I just hope I'm not the only one that feels this way. no matter, my primary goal this summer is to feel like I belong somewhere. if I can accomplish such a feat, I'll be quite happy.




i have waited for this day
to feel I'm fitting in
and i have longed to feel this way
to be alive again

i came back, back
back to, life
i came back, back
back to, life
i came back

Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: Rock Kills Kid - Back To Life

32 shots fired or take a shot
Comments
(Deleted comment)
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
you should write in yours more. it's always great to read what clothing you really want to buy. :P
stewdog From: stewdog Date: May 23rd, 2006 01:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
the thing about chinese food that historically doesn't fill you up is the presence of a lot of carbs (noodles, rice) and veggies and not a lot of protein (meat). in general, if you eat a meal that is high on carbs and fibers, it'll pass through your stomach pretty quickly and you'll feel hungry again later. that's why, if you order a general tso's chicken, you'll get around that.

and good thing we know about your binary fleece blanket now, I don't know what I would have done without knowing where you got it :)
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
see? there's reason to my madness! I mean, what would you have done if you didn't know where I bought it?!

that and it was also for descriptive purposes. it's kinda hard to picture, ya know?
stewdog From: stewdog Date: May 23rd, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

sure, but you know what isn't hard to picture? a fleece blanket. you could have left it at that :)
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 24th, 2006 04:09 am (UTC) (Link)
I could! but you know me. I go the distance!
bcheer4 From: bcheer4 Date: May 23rd, 2006 01:43 pm (UTC) (Link)
it's hard to ignore the feeling that no one really gives a damn. I just hope I'm not the only one that feels this way. no matter, my primary goal this summer is to feel like I belong somewhere. if I can accomplish such a feat, I'll be quite happy.

sooo you just said exactly what I have been feeling... although I'm not entirely sure that IF I do accomplish this, I will be happy. But here's hoping.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
at least that line stood out to someone. best of luck to you dear. :)
sweet_chic1985 From: sweet_chic1985 Date: May 23rd, 2006 02:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I agree with the the chinese food filling you up thing. I'm sorry you feel so lonely Stan but people do give a damn and I hope to help you feel like you belong in some way :)
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
one way or another! haha. I think I need to try something else other than sesame chicken all together. thx. much <3.
From: melliemelro Date: May 23rd, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
I believe the best way to get to know someone is through stories. I'm a story teller, and in all actuality, I should probably be a folk singer. Give Ani DiFranco some competition. :) That's why I like LJ, I like reading the stories, I always skip over my friend's emo entries and the "he said she said"s. I think if someone has good stories, they will be fun to hang out with.

Also, love the blanket. I'm a corporate manager at Bed Bath and Beyond, and in all my experience I have never seen something that cool.

^Warning: I'm a girl who actually thinks that's cool. I know, socially unacceptable.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 04:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
pfft, the binary blanket is so damn comfy. you should get one.

see, I don't think of myself as a good story teller. maybe in writing but definitely not in person. gonna have to work on that. but thank you. :P just hope to see more of you around here.
ahatha921 From: ahatha921 Date: May 23rd, 2006 02:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey, now that school is over.. we should find time to hang out! <33xoxo
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
lemme get my last final out of the way and we'll hang out! considering what, it's been a couple months? :(
ahatha921 From: ahatha921 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
probably more than that :(

let me know when it's over and good luck! xoxo
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'm thinking next week... kthx! <3!
ice_penguin2000 From: ice_penguin2000 Date: May 23rd, 2006 02:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

mmm chinese food

get food at Mings Noodles on south clinton near the Cinema and across the street from indian food. Mings is so tasty, thin rice noodles with chicken mmm yummy and if you ask for spice you will get it .
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 04:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: mmm chinese food

omg, I love mings. even though I was there once, it was the best chinese food I've ever had. it's a tiny sketchy little place but seriously, I have to go back. hopefully it'll be just as good.

we should go sometime!
megkid From: megkid Date: May 23rd, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't think that either livejournal or myspace really provide a good way to get to know somebody. Livejournal is probably better for that than myspace, but people can censor themselves as much as they want, and completely avoid whole facets of their personality in the process. I guess nothing beats hanging out with someone IRL when you want to get to know them.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person who finds living alone to be lonely. Not that I'm glad you're lonely, but there's always that strange feeling of comfort when somebody else has it just as bad as you.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 05:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
don't worry, I understand what you mean. I just gotta get this roommate situation sorted out ASAP. once that occurs, things should fall back into place.
_unfoldyourlove From: _unfoldyourlove Date: May 23rd, 2006 04:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
This entry gets an A+. As much as you feel lonely, I admire you for living your life and making how you want it, even if you have to do it alone for now. I hope that I can let go of my own fear of being alone and enjoy life like you have done!
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 23rd, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) (Link)
it helps that I can play tetris for about 2 hours and think nothing of it. :P thank you very much dear. we'll hang out soon and have FUN! deal?
_unfoldyourlove From: _unfoldyourlove Date: May 23rd, 2006 06:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
DEAL!!!
From: therussianenemy Date: May 23rd, 2006 09:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
My opinion = LiveJournal > MySpace, but I'm sure you were already aware.

Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but hey, at least you're doing something with your life. Finishing your school should hopefully help you take direction. You have your whole life ahead of you :)
heartofdorkness From: heartofdorkness Date: May 24th, 2006 02:46 am (UTC) (Link)
I find it frustrating to hear you talking about being lonely after basically shirking my company for months. Here is the key: work less, buy fewer gadgets, hang out with friends more. It's simple.

Meanwhile, I dig the song. The more I listen to your stuff, the more I like it.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 24th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Hope you don't mind...

understandably so. the primary fault of my loneliness stems from the fact that where I may come off as very sociable, I generally don't initiate contact.

I'll make it up to you cuz if you keep liking the music, I'll have to take you along to a punk or indie show one of these days.
spiffyme03 From: spiffyme03 Date: May 24th, 2006 05:15 am (UTC) (Link)
I <3 chinese food... my friend and I get it pretty much once a week, we're obsessed :-)
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 24th, 2006 05:30 am (UTC) (Link)
it's good for you! chock full of vitamins!
unrehearsed From: unrehearsed Date: May 24th, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
i'm getting ready to start my 6th year in my academic pursuit. and dammit, i've loved every year of it and wouldn't take it back. :) hang in there stan.

~sarah
afk47 From: afk47 Date: May 24th, 2006 05:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
see, that's the difference, you love it, I don't! but keep up the good fight!

other than that, how the hell are you? I haven't talked to you in years...
unrehearsed From: unrehearsed Date: May 25th, 2006 03:28 am (UTC) (Link)
drop me an email sometime and we'll talk. lilbitoteck@yahoo. you were always a good conversationalist. :)
1nightinholland From: 1nightinholland Date: May 24th, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Chinese food! Are you trying to make me hungry?! AGH! I know what you mean though. That blanket is sexy and I know someone else who has that TV. You're both lucky bastards.

There needs to be Myspace addiction centers. Myspace is the new heroin. Just addictive, but not as my OD's...to my knowledge at least.

Loneliness sucks, but it's rarely permanent.

Well, now for what I was originally coming here to comment for. I'm going to add you because you're all awesome, and actually interesting. Enough worshipping. Add me back when you get a chance.
sjcarpediem From: sjcarpediem Date: July 29th, 2006 01:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
I miss you, friend. I'll call soon, I promise. I do have your number, don't I? No I don't... hmmm... so maybe I won't call... Sorry, its the thought that counts, right?
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