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a little fucking effort. - russians d0 it best
you can't open the book of my life in the middle.
a little fucking effort.
everyone has personal challenges in their lives, you know, getting through medical school, making differences in people's lives or acheiving some personal goal in life. mine is simply searching for motivation to do just about anything. let me tell you, motivation can be such an aggravation. sure, the ADD diagnosis and dexedrine (same thing as adderall practically) has made a significant impact on my schooling and even made my job waiting tables easier. now I go around telling everyone how "I got my shit together!" and I'm back on track on the road to success!

whatever the hell that means. it's such bullshit to think that finally getting decent grades at a community college qualifies as "getting your shit together". I mean, sure I'm going to get my associates in a short while and transfer off most likely to RIT.

it all comes down to that I'm sick of school, sick of work, sick of it all. I don't want to do a damn thing over than drown my senses in violent video games. I want to escape all my responsibilities even for just a moment. the weird thing is, nothing I've done in the last 9 months seems worth getting sick of. I mean, there are people out there who put in more hours at their jobs and spend more time studying than I do and they're doing just fine.

I don't even know.

to be honest, saying "I don't know" is possibly the most comforting thing I've said to myself in a long time. I'm can't stand all this certainty I have going for me right now because it's all I talk about work for. it's funny how abandoning all that you've worked for can make you feel better.

I just had such higher hopes for myself as a kid, which is ironic because even then, I didn't do a damn thing to get what I wanted. now that I think I have the power and motivation to do what I want, I find myself having absolutely no time. since january, I've been taking classes non-stop with a winter session class, a full-time load in the spring, a four credit class in the first half of the summer and two four credit classes in the second half. all while trying to pull 30-40 hours of work at TGI Fridays. the last 6 weeks I had to cut my hours back just to take these two damn accounting classes and the math class. I'm not even going to pass the damn math class. so here I am at the last week of my math class and I can't even convince myself to study for the final because I'm sure if I put in a decent amount of effort, I could possibly pass this class.

that's the lesson of my life, all I EVER need to do is put in a little fucking effort.

here's the thing. someone ALWAYS has it better and someone ALWAYS has it worse. it's pointless to compare yourself to those who are worse off or better off. what good does it do? think about it. if someone is worse off than you, all you feel is pity and then feel guilty for being pissed off at something that you now feel isn't that important. if someone has it better off than you, all you feel is jealousy and then get pissed at yourself for not being better off because now you feel that you can do better. what you feel right now isn't going to help anyone right this second, especially you.

but there's one thing you can get from all that shit above. perspective. think about it... again. you'll see that you're just fine because your problems may not be that big and you're freaking out for no real reason. and then you can see that you don't need to be better off because you're doing ok right now. if you really want to do better, you can work at it because it's not something you can fix right away.

so here I am looking at all that I wrote and feel completely exposed and on some level, embarassed. I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me so I delete everything I'm about to post. that's really what happens everytime I write in here and why you never see anything from me anymore. I'm not going to delete this entry this time and see where it gets me.

if anything, hopefully it'll get you somewhere.

spin me some sad story
sell me some excuse
to help me understand the things you do
'cause the way you treat your lovers
well I just can't relate
well where'd you learn to shoot your gun so straight?

Current Mood: frustrated frustrated
Current Music: 22-20s - shoot your gun

23 shots fired or take a shot
andreadynamite From: andreadynamite Date: August 18th, 2005 12:45 am (UTC) (Link)
What math class are you taking?
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 18th, 2005 12:47 am (UTC) (Link)
andreadynamite From: andreadynamite Date: August 18th, 2005 12:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Holy monkeys. I don't think I'll be taking pre-calc, my major only requires statistics.

I took two math classes this summer (098 and 104.. I'm behind *blushes*) and I don't think I'll ever take a math class during ths summer again. I got A's in both classes but I don't think I slept much at all. I was also taking two other classes, which would have been cake had I not taken math. I think I need the 15 weeks to let all of that mathy goodness sink into my pea-brain.

Good luck with the math.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 18th, 2005 04:53 am (UTC) (Link)
I didn't pass it in high school and kinda gave up on it since. besides, RIT's business program wants at least calculus so I figure I'll retake pre-calc and take calc in the spring or something. I'd much rather take it at MCC than RIT, hah. thanks for the well wishes dear, best of luck to you in your future math endeavours!
From: melliemelro Date: August 18th, 2005 12:59 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm going to be honest with you. I know I've never met you in person, but from reading your LJ and the few times we've talked on AIM, I admire you. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and few things will even be excellent, but really, what's meant to be will be. I can give you several examples of that in my life if you ever want to know, just ask, I'll tell you what they are.

Anyways, I guess the real point is after a summer of friends: dying, being sent to jail/orphanages, leaving us forever, and various other things, I was on my exboyfriend/best friend's porch and we were talking and he said "you know, life sucks right now, but everything always does work out, everything in time." and he's really right. I'll be honest, next month is my 20th birthday and I'm tired of waiting; I want everything now, but that's not the way it works and I know it. Also, sitting with the same guy, he said "I don't know how I'm going to react when Trav (his brother) leaves, I mean, he's caused nothing but trouble the 4 months he's been here, but I love him." I said "I don't know, and it's okay, we don't need all the answers now." Not knowing can be a good thing.

Nobody has it all together. I don't at all know if this is the sort of thing you needed to hear, but I figured I should at least say something.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 18th, 2005 04:57 am (UTC) (Link)
I love feedback because not only do I get to hear what people think, I can learn something from them as well. even if say something that isn't what I need to hear, I want to hear it. I just have to remember that figuring shit out is a life long process and to think that I can have even an idea at this point in my life is a little rediculous but I like to live life on the edge. :P
dreny From: dreny Date: August 18th, 2005 03:33 am (UTC) (Link)
hey babe. You're absolutely right, and dude motivation is a bitch and even when there is motivation it still doesnt always help. Its hard to go to college and work at the same time, but I think you're doing just fine. I love ya sweety
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 18th, 2005 04:54 am (UTC) (Link)
hmm... I think I could be doing better, haha. thanks dear. IM me sometime so we can hang out.
thenerd From: thenerd Date: August 18th, 2005 04:17 am (UTC) (Link)
so i totally had a dream the other night that you called me.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 18th, 2005 04:54 am (UTC) (Link)
hmm... interesting, nothing yet about running into you at a liquor store or anything?
From: (Anonymous) Date: August 18th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC) (Link)
The Journal is just a small part of who you are. I would hope people would know that. You should not feel completely exposed and embarrassed about your writing. I don't think people would get the wrong impression of you. I mean everyone holds back a bit at times when they write but also some people make things up just to get what they may be feeling out. You should never delete what you are about to post because that is a feeling and you can get it out through your writing. The feelings you are having are normal but it will work out you have a family that loves you and your writing is lovely.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 19th, 2005 02:21 am (UTC) (Link)
it'd be easier to thank you if I knew who you were. :P
nessy82 From: nessy82 Date: August 18th, 2005 10:34 am (UTC) (Link)
i hear ya on the embarrassed/exposed thing. Almost all of my entries are private and when i saw your comment in my diary i was hoping you didn't read the entry!
By the way i got you on random. i hope you don't mind.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 19th, 2005 02:20 am (UTC) (Link)
haha, no problem. just gotta stay involved!
sexyfaery From: sexyfaery Date: August 18th, 2005 02:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

A little advice...

whether or not you take it is up to you. In my humble opinion, you need to stop comparing yourself to other people. Stop caring so much about what they think. I'm not saying be an egocentric douchebag, but don't put so much stock into other people. And I know that giving up and playing video games will make you happy now, but that's just because it's the easy answer. Usually the right answer isn't easy.
That's my two cents.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 19th, 2005 02:20 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: A little advice...

I appreciate your advice, it's that that I don't care about what other people think of me, far from it. it's that comparing myself to other people seems to be the only way to motivate myself into improving myself or my grades. I'm realizing more and more that I'm a competitive person and I like to be at the top. and yeah, I know the easy way out because it's always sitting in plain sight. there's a reason why I've been taking classes in the winter session, spring semester, both summer sessions, back again in the fall and even more in the winter too. oh, and the spring of '06 also. :| my longest break is going to be the next two weeks which I'll spend as much time working as possible because my financial aid this semester was rejected because my parents make too much.
heartofdorkness From: heartofdorkness Date: August 19th, 2005 01:18 am (UTC) (Link)
I can certainly empathize with feelings of being stuck, which is what I'm reading in (hopefully not reading into) your post. Changing the situation is inevitably going to take more time. Sad but true.

Oh, and sweet song.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 19th, 2005 02:13 am (UTC) (Link)
glad you like it chuck. I might have to beat into you a good taste in music after all!
spiffyme03 From: spiffyme03 Date: August 19th, 2005 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hey you, I don't really know what to comment about, I just thought I'd let you know I read your post.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 22nd, 2005 04:39 am (UTC) (Link)
thank you. keep it up. :P
_phantom_glitch From: _phantom_glitch Date: August 19th, 2005 09:22 pm (UTC) (Link)


i know what you mean.
afk47 From: afk47 Date: August 22nd, 2005 04:38 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: yep...

thanks for the reply dude. have val call me sometime so we can all go chill, celebrate the new job and all.
littleamico From: littleamico Date: August 25th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC) (Link)
oh wow we're pretty much the same person.
23 shots fired or take a shot